Fred and George's simple guide to dating our teenage sister
by The Little House Scribe
Summary: The Terrific Twins are here to put all your woes at rest concerning your affection for our darling baby sister. Good luck, discerning Wizard.
1. Fred and George's Simple Plan

"It's nearly done!" Fred and George declared. A few metres away, a sensible second year dived for cover; but for once the twins weren't blowing things up. At least, not literally…

Hermione's frizzy hair appeared; framing her suspicious face as she lowered her Transfiguration for the Talented Teenager book; her eyes narrowed at the twins.

"Hey'ya Mione!" George called; making eye contact. "Enjoying yourself?"

Hermione continued to stare at them; she was onto them – whatever it was they were doing. _No good, no doubt._

Fred took this opportunity to cheekily wave in Hermione's direction. Hermione elbowed Harry, who was slouched over the table; looking quite miserable.

"OW! What is it, Hermione?"

The twins couldn't catch the conversation; but it seemed that Harry told Hermione to go and deal with the Twins if she felt it was necessary, so Hermione strode over.

"Okay," Hermione began, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Let's do this the easy way. What are you two up to?"

The twins conjured up expressions of shocked innocence; "Us, up to something?"  
"Miss Granger, you wound me so…"

"Here we are, concerned brothers, who, until recently; hadn't realised how mature our sister was getting."

"And to our shock and surprise; we hear from Ron that she's got herself a boyfriend."

"And we were sitting here, contemplating this change, when we were so rudely interrupted and accused of nefarious scheming."

"Yes, yes yes." Hermione was not to be deterred. "What Is 'Nearly Done'? You're not going to go and prank Michael Corner, are you?"

"Hermione! I'm shocked that you would even think that of us. No, we are not planning to prank Mr Corner; and if we were, it wouldn't be because he and Ginny are dating."

Hermione was taken aback.

"Think of it, Hermione; in a few short years, Ginny will be striding into the world, independent; if Michael Corner is the guy for her; then so be it. Letting her have her relationship is an investment in our sister's wellbeing!"

Hermione looked slightly embarrassed. "Well, Ron was…Ron, and I thought you would, you know, give Ginny and Michael trouble…"

"Oh, dear, sweet Hermione looking out for Ginny. Don't you worry your genius little head; Fred and George are only here to support and guide our precious little sister…"

##

"So, what is this?" Harry asked, holding his hand over the lettering which proclaimed that the book he was holding was…

"Fred and George's simple guide to dating our teenage sister." Declared the Terrible Twosome.

"What?!" Harry stepped back. "I'm not interested in…"

"Look Harry; every male student is getting a copy; if you're going to do it, you're going to do it right!" Fred said, looking quite intimidating; quite ignoring Harry's protestations that he wasn't going to do it at all, and that though Ginny was a great friend; there was absolutely nothing going on between them now or in the future.

Harry could not understand why Fred and George left chanting the name of an Egyptian river.

"Wait!" Harry called out. The twins turned. "Even Malfoy gets a copy?"

"Everyone." The twins confirmed.

##

Harry was so bored; and…dare he even think it; he was considering opening Fred and George's guide up…Not that he was at all interested in actually using the information; but he did need some entertainment; and a work of Fred and George fit the bill…

Opening the book up to a random page, Harry began to read.

_Romantic Gestures…_

_If you're a romantic at heart; you're in luck, because Ginny really loves flamboyant gestures. The more frequent, the better. For example, charm the great hall to drop pink (her favourite colour) flower petals over her seat; she'll love you for it._

Harry frowned, and turned to another page.

_Be Chivalrous…_

_If there is an enemy threatening you and Ginny; step in front of her and let her know you'll protect her; enemies range from bullies to Puffskeins; just get between her and danger. Also, try to help her with doors/books/walking/servingherbreakfast/lunch/dinner. The way to her heart is yours if you follow these simple rules._

_Stubbornness…_

_If for some reason Ginny argues with you on any matter; sweetly insist that she's right; no matter what. She'll be glad you've gone over to her side, and your relationship will be better for it._

_Delicate Ginny and her Delicate Delicacy…_

_Gently but continuously remind Ginny to keep herself safe in any manner. Is she on the Quidditch Team? Suggest she take up Gobstones instead. Is she going outside in the spring? Remind her of the sun's harmful rays and convince her to stay inside. Does she want to go into the snows of winter? Inform her of the dangers of Hypothermia. Insist on treating any and all injuries, however minor as soon as possible._

_##_

All too soon, the book was over, so, the next morning, Harry cornered the twins, brandishing the book.

"Enjoy it, Harry?" The twins grinned.

Harry returned the smile. "It's absolute gold, you two; I'd high recommend this guide to anyone who wanted to date anyone but Ginny."

George squinted at Harry and fiddled with his ear. "Sorry, old bean, didn't quite hear you; are you saying that you wouldn't use these perfectly personalised tips if you did want to date Ginny?"

"I'd probably do the complete opposite... This is all conjecture, right?" Harry asked.

The Twins nodded. "Oh, of course, Harry. "

"But you know Ginny; you'd know how she wouldn't really like…" And realisation of the sheer brilliance of Fred and George's work washed over Harry. "But people who don't know Ginny would think it was the way to her heart…And…"

"And the termites come out of the woodwork….Everyone who wanted to date Ginny will come out; emboldened with their new weapon; and since they know everyone else has the same tool; they know they'll have to strike fast. And you know the best thing Harry?" George asked.

Fred answered for Harry. "We don't have to get our hands dirty pranking those who reveal their fancy for Ginny. She'll deal with them all herself."

"That's the evilest thing I can imagine." Harry whispered, quite overcome with dramatics for the situation.

"Look, it's beginning…." Fred and George gestured over to Ginny, who looked quite confused as she flicked a pink rose petal off her top…

Well, you can imagine how the morning continued.


	2. While Ronald Raves

Ginny's POV

It all started quite innocuously.

There I was, as usual, sitting down in the morning to a plate of toast and kippers, metaphorically licking my lips at the scrumptuosity that I was about to consume, when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, a pink…something flutter down and land on my shoulder.

Now if you've ever seen me you'll know that pink and I have a difficult relationship. We clash worse than Sirius and Snape. We clash worse than Ron's colour coordination. If my worst enemy was a colour, than pink would be it.

So I flicked the pink petal off my shoulder, and returned to my breakfast.

When my kipper was rudely adorned with another pink petal.

Trying not to scowl; I blew the petal off the fish, and scanned the great hall. Professor Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling away merrily –as usual, and interestingly, no one else appeared to have pink petals falling around them. I wondered if Michael had hatched up a harebrained scheme which he considered romantic. But I saw him, sitting with an analytical look on his face, grimacing his confusion toward me.

I continued to scan the hall. My eyes caught the gaze of another pair of eyes; crinkled in ill-disguised amusement – and the person who those eyes belonged to was flanked by two other 'gentlemen' who made no effort to conceal their mirth.

It was _them_. The terrible twosome. The What-Can-We-Do-To-Annoy and/or Embarrass-Ginny today twins. They were sniggering away at my predicament over their breakfast. Harry, between them, was also amused, but he was chivalrous enough to keep up a passable straight face.

My initial suspicions were that Fred and George, Tormenters-of-their-sister, had played a prank on me. But falling rose petals? Not flamboyant enough for them. Sure, it annoyed me; but there was none of the usual showmanship which accompanied one of their pranks.

So they must just be laughing because, hey, what else can they do?

Ron scowled at the heart-shaped box which popped into view next to Ginny's lunch plate.

"Stupid idiot boys! No sense whatsoever. No decency either, doing all that to my baby sister. Why she's barely out of nappies." Ron ranted under his breath.

Hermione snorted over her salad.

Ginny looked up from the frilly purple bow of the package.

"Don't be so ridiculous Ron; I've been out of them longer than you have."

Hermione burst out laughing whilst Ron shot back his unbelievable denials.

HA HA HA!

I, Ginevra Weasley, Seventh Child of the Family Weasley, am a genius. Yes, I, vertically challenged Ginny have risen to new heights of brilliance. Step aside, Hermione Granger, there is a new smartest person in the school. They'll never find me here.

Okay, well, I admit I might have embellished my braininess just before, because here I sit, right up in the rafters of the owlery, with the stench of owl dung all around me. A scourgify charm gave me somewhere to sit, but the stink remains. Even if I could remove, I can't, since I'm trying to hide from the strange phenomenon which has made me the target of clichéd romantic gestures all through the day. So here I sit, confused yet self-congratulatory on my plan to lay low until the heat dies down.

I hear footsteps; someone is entering the owlery. No matter, I shall sit, silent and still until they go about their business and pass on their way.

Suddenly, Pigwidgeon flies up and starts circling my head, chirping incessantly.

"Go away Pigwidgeon." I mutter. "Go on. I don't have any treats to give you." I try to shoo him away, but the owl refuses to go, but continues to chirp shrilly.

"There you are, Ginny." The Voice states. I know the Voice. What kind of mood is the owner of the Voice in?

"Oh, maiden fair way up there," The Voice begins. I sigh deeply. He's in one of those moods.

"I can see you, Ginny; I've got my glasses on; I'm not blind."

I turn around and peek down. Harry is standing there, wand in hand, with a cheeky grin on his face. It's quite unusual for Harry to sport such a grin; but underneath the chivalrous Gryffindor exterior of the man beats a heart that wouldn't be amiss in Slytherin when it wants to be. And it seems like this is the day that Harry is going to forgo his chivalry and take advantage of my misfortune.

Well, his poetry is as bad as mine anyway.

Harry waves his wand and a bunch of flowers appear in his hand. He gestures at me; eyes twinkling merrily. I quash the urge to smile – Harry's charm lies in his substance, not style. If he's doing this, he can't be taking it seriously - whatever is happening. At least someone is retaining some sense as everything else goes mad.

"Am I wooing you correctly, Ginny"

I try to give him my Glare-of-Imminent-Doom but somehow it is ineffective.

"I see. Well, I'll just have to up the ante. Prepare to be serenaded!"

"You can't sing!" I burst out, forgetting that I'm not talking to anyone since I'm (rather ineffectually) hiding.

"Beauty is in the ear of the beholder."

"You don't know any songs." I guess wildly.

"True." Harry admits. "That's why I brought this along." He shows me an envelope he's holding.

"What is that?" My eyes narrow at it.

"Oh, I'm just going to Owl your mum; ask for a couple of Celestina Warbeck records; no big deal."

"Don't you dare!" I splutter.

Harry's down there, laughing. "Well, alright then." Harry begins to climb up to join me.

"So, how's your day been?" He asks, smiling crookedly as he sits next to me.

"Confounding. I am so confused." I gesture wildly. "Is this what it's like for you every day?"

"Sort of. Not nearly as hilarious though."

"Oh, yes, take delight in my distress, why don't you?"

Harry shrugged. "Sorry, but I can't help it if you're popular."

"Popular? POPULAR! That doesn't even begin to describe it. I've got more gifts in one day than my whole life. People who I barely know have started talking to me in the hallways. And I've been asked out by Millicent Bulstrode. Millicent, Harry!" Ginny tried to convey her desperation to Harry.

But Harry was cackling away, too discourteous to pay attention to Ginny's distress. "I barely managed to escape her. Or him. I can never be really sure with that one."

Harry's laughter only intensified. "Well, I can see you're no help."

"Sorry…sorry…" Harry schooled his facial features into a false façade of sympathy and gingerly patted my shoulder. "Ginny Weasley, I sincerely and utterly hope you will be dis-loved for the duration of your days until the dismally dark, dank day when you die."

I smiled and rolled my eyes.

"But this is not that day, Ginny. Will you join me for the evening repast?"

"Are you asking me to dinner?"

"Doth thou desire to deign to dine at dinner with me? If Ron found out that I found you and didn't dare try to bring you back with me, I'd be the main course. He's in a right state - Hermione's trying to deal with it."

"He's a moron." I said. "But his heart's in the right place. Alright, good sir, I shall join you. However, first I shall need to defragrance myself. I shall…return!" I stated dramatically, before leaping out the side of the Owlery tower.

Harry's POV.

I am of the opinion that all Weasleys are crazy.

And Ginny has done nothing to dispel my thoughts, as she has just leaped through the side of the tower. I peek out, and she's using extending bricks to pull herself up the wall. I shake my head and go down the tower in the normal fashion, before exiting the Owlery. I then see her waving in the distance atop her broom.

I wave back, and make my way back to the school. I sniff my robes. I need a wash too.

I meet Ron and Hermione on the ground. I can see Ron is still fussing over the attention Ginny's been getting, and Hermione is fussing about how Ron's fussing.

"Oh, why don't you leave her alone Ron?" Hermione asks.

"Her? Her! I'd leave her alone! It's those boys that won't leave her alone! I've got to protect her from them!"

"If Ginny wanted your protection she'd ask for it!"

"No she wouldn't, and no matter if she asks for it or not I've still got to shield her!"

I clear my throat to get their attention. It is to no avail.

"Oh, BOYS!" Hermione throws her hands in the air.

"I can't even understand why anyone would even think of Ginny in such a fashion. Frankly, it's quite sick to think of my sister like that."

"Oh, RON! She's not everyone's sister."

"Well, Harry's a guy. Harry, tell her why anyone would be interested in Ginny." Ron said, clearly expecting Harry to be unable to come up with a reason.

"Yes Harry," Hermione interrogated. "Why don't you try to salvage my opinion of the emotional range of the male species?"

I was now stuck. They'd roped me into their argument and navigating my way out of it would take all my skills of navigation.

"Err…I suppose that…Ginny's not ugly." Hermione harrumphed, and Ron looked on approvingly at my safe answer. "Actually, I suppose that you could say that she's attractive, if, you know, you were attracted to her. Err..." I continued, seeing the two united facing me. "She's…err…Witty…Funny…Smart…"

Third person POV.

Harry lost track of himself and got on a roll of adjectives describing Ginny's good qualities. In fact, he didn't stop listing them off by the time they reached the main hall, to Hermione's tight-lipped amusement and Ron's frowning shock.

"Err, I mean, maybe these are qualities someone who likes Ginny would think she possesses. I'm really only guessing here." The two were still giving him strange looks, so Harry hurried away to the shower.

Ron and Hermione, their argument forgotten, watched him leave. "Sometimes I wonder about that boy." Hermione said.

"I concur, Hermione, I do concur."

Fred and George, the Maestros of Mayhem, surveyed the empty Great Hall. Their finale was prepared…it just need to be set in motion.


	3. One for the AGES

"So, what is this plan you two have cooked up?" Lee Jordan asked the twins, as they sat down to dinner.

Fred grinned over the potatoes. "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Yes, why else would I ask?" Lee rolled his eyes.

"Well, you'll soon see." George stated, his eyes finding Ginny walking through the great hall doorway.

Fred and George exchanged mischievous smirks.

"Hey, watch it you two." Lee advised. "Umbridge is on the warpath and McGonagall is in no mood for shenanigans."

"Do I understand you correctly, Mister Jordan? You intend to withdraw from our fraternity?"

"Of course not." Lee replied. "It's just a great reason to do it properly."

##

A few hours earlier…

"Any ideas yet, Fred?"

"I don't know, George. Ginny's shown remarkable restraint so far."

"Yes, yes, we need something big to set her off."

"But it needs to be subtle and indirect, else the plan fails."

"Ah, yes, to weed out the A.G.E.S."

"Ages?"

"Not Ages, A.G.E.S. Admirers of Ginny's extreme superlativeness."

Fred rolled over on his bed. "I think the name needs work, but let's do it!"

"We've got to set up something that the A.G.E.S. will not be able to resist taking advantage of."

"It's gonna be hard to manage, George. If we go too far, Ginny will see it as a massive joke and we'll face the full brunt of her wrath." Fred warned ominously.

"That, my dear brother, is something to be well avoided."

"George?"

George's eyes had glazed over.

"I have it, Freddie."

##

The whispers weren't unusual for Harry. He tried his best to ignore them; but this time they weren't just about him.

If Harry strained his ears, he would have caught snippets of conversations about the Ginny Weasley situation. The girl herself was still unaware as to the scale of the event; she figured Fred and George were somehow involved, for if they weren't, she couldn't see how they'd stay away from all the boys that had approached her when they were in the twins' presence.

Ron, however, was acting just as Ginny expected him to, glowering at anyone who even chanced a glance at Ginny.

"How can you go out with that Corner git?" Ron demanded under his breath.

"I don't see how it's any of your business Ron." Ginny's eyebrows raised slightly.

"It's my business; I'm your brother – and you're only fourteen."

"Yes, Ron, and if you were mentally mature enough you could get a girlfriend yourself."

"This isn't about me!"

"Isn't it?" Ginny returned to her dinner.

"No, it's not about me. This is about you, and the Corner prat, and everyone else."

"Do you have any legitimate complaints about Michael?'

"Err..."

"Good. Shut up about him."

"He's not right for you!"

"Such may be the case, Ron; we can't know that yet.'

"I know it." Ron grumbled, but returned to his food, letting the matter drop for the moment.

##

If Fred and George were involved; there had to be some kind of end game to the madness that Ginny had been enduring. Rather than just going through her days as a normal member of the Hogwarts society, Ginny found herself at the centre of attention. It was quite confusing and disconcerting. How Harry got through it day after day amazed her.

"How can you live with this?" Ginny turned to Harry.

"Oh my Merlin, Ginny Weasley just spoke to me. What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?" Harry replied.

Ginny and Hermione exchanged looks of half adoration and half exasperation.

"Oh, come on, this is getting ridiculous." Ginny said, as a thorny rose appeared on her steak. Do any of you know what's going on?"

Ron was the first to speak up. "Do you think this would be happening if I had any idea?"

Hermione just shrugged.

But Harry tried to avoid eye contact.

"Ah ha! Have I found the mole in our little group, Mister Potter?"

"Miss Weasley, I protest my innocence in the development and execution of the program."

"However, Mister Potter, I do believe you are aware of the plan."

"Nay, Miss, for I barely comprehend it."

"You sell yourself short, Mister Potter, for you know more than you show."

"Well, Mister Potter, you can tell me what you know now, or you can remain loyal to your co-conspirators, and face the consequences of your confusing, however irritating actions.

"I shall not yield to your terrifying threats, Ginny of House Weasley. Strong I shall remain, taking my not-very-much-of-a-secret with me."

"You have chosen your path, Mister Potter." Ginny felt something slide up past her knee. Her hand grabbed a little book and she slid it into her robes. "May it bring you the fortunes you deserve."

##

"Alright there, Harry?" Fred asked. Harry didn't look too well.

"Ginny. I think she's on to me. I tried not to give anything away but it was hard, you know. She can be quite frightening at times."

"Tell me about it. Anyway, you won't have to wait too long."

"Why not?'

"Because tomorrow morning, Ginny will leave Hogwarts for a convent."

"Not on her life." Harry muttered.

Fred grinned. "You know that, and I know that, but the A.G.E.S. don't know that."

"Ages?"

"Oh, poor naïve Harry. Admirers of Ginny's extreme superlativeness."

"OOoh, can I join?!"

Fred cleared his throat.

"Oh, I mean, I wouldn't want to be in any way involved with an organisation like that."

##

"I'm going to miss you, Ginny!" Millicent pulled the smaller girl into a totally unexpected, bone-crushing hug, before Millie choked tears back and ran out the door, leaving Ginny quite befuddled.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Draco Malfoy said as he passed by Ginny; as this was normal Malfoy behaviour, it made Ginny feel slightly better – or at least, slightly less confused.

It was Neville who reveal the final piece of the puzzle – after people came up with all manner of confusing statements and requests.

"It was nice knowing you, Ginny. Have a nice life at the convent."

"Neville, where did you get the idea that I was going to a convent?"

Ginny followed Neville's line of sight over to the twins.

"I see; thank you, Neville."

Neville grinned. "No worries, Ginny."

The twins caught her appraising them, and they looked back at her with identical expressions of pure innocence that didn't fool her one bit."

##

Ginny got up from her dinner – after commanding Ron to eat it if it came under threat, an assignment Ron gladly accepted – and left the great hall.

When she returned, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore was standing up.

Wondering if she'd interrupted a speech, Ginny tried to keep a low profile, but Dumbledore, eyes twinkling serenely, beckoned her.

"Headmaster?" Ginny asked, as she approached.

"Miss Weasley, since you will not be graduating, would you like to say a few words?"

"I'm not going anywhere, Headmaster – unless I've done something wrong. I don't know what rumours you've heard…" Ginny spoke quietly.

"No, no, no, Miss Weasley – you're not being expelled. But now that you're up here, why don't you…" Dumbledore gently gestured to the podium.

Ginny stepped up and looked around at the expectant hall.

"Sometimes," Ginny began, "life throws up unexpected surprises."

Some people, seeing how unprepared Ginny was for a speech, chuckled at this; Millicent Bulstrode, having returned to the hall, began to silently weep whilst Daphne Greengrass tried to comfort her.

"How we deal with these events can shape our characters. Some events can bring great joy, some unforseen sorrow."

Millicent began to cry aloud; Ginny paused to let Millie regain control.

"There are rumours going around on a very important subject. A subject that affects us all."

The hall was silent, hanging on Ginny's every word."

"I fear, heavy as my heart is to say it, the rumours are undeniably true. Lord Voldemort has indeed returned."

The hall erupted. Umbridge leapt from her seat like a fat toad, trying to mask her fury with saccharine sweetness. But Ginny had already made her way off the podium, and had, for the moment, escaped Umbridge's wrath. Headmaster Dumbledore however, wasn't so fortunate.

Ginny would be punished for her Ministry disapproved actions, but having shown where she stood clearly to the school, the general admiration of her died down. Information began to filter around that Ginny already had a boyfriend; and some who had been unaware stopped trying to woo her.


End file.
